I've titled this post, "Welcome Home," because my mission is to help you build a better relationship with your Self, where Self can feel like home. When your Self feels like home, it becomes easier to form richer and deeper connections with others, as it feels safer to show more of your authentic Self. So welcome home, my friend, let's explore what's in store for you here.
About Me
My name is Stephanie Lindeman: dual-licensed mental health counselor, dual master's degree holder, certified life coach, and one of the most extensively trained therapists in my community. But my favorite title is: "Recovered Emotionally Feral Person."
The truth is, I was once a highly emotionally dysregulated person. When you combine this with an endless drive to achieve, the outcome is that your body and mind take quite a lot of hits. This means I often personally understand the agony my therapy and coaching clients are going through—because I’ve been there myself. The good news is that I made it out of hell through extensive study and practice of attachment therapy, trauma therapy, and DBT. Now, I want to show you the way out of hell and into peace.
Emotions Are Data
If you can imagine the mind like a maze (or what it often feels like for many, a prison) there are certain paths that are going to keep you stuck at dead ends. In this Self growth journey that you're going on, you can think of these "dead ends," as the myths you've been told about emotions and connection.
If you only ever learn one thing from me, here it is: Emotions are Data. Period. Just about everything else you've learned about emotions is a myth that needs to be unlearned. Here are a few myths that I invite you to begin unlearning:
Emotions are a sign of weakness
Emotions are illogical
If I feel it, it must be true
Emotions are bad
You should always be happy
Emotions lead to trouble
Ignoring emotions makes them go away
Emotions are only in your head
Emotions are never-ending
Let's break these down together:
1. Emotions are a sign of weakness
Emotions are data—they are a directional guide to motivate the flow of your action. They speed you up, slow you down, and inform you about what’s important to you. The word "emotion" comes from the Latin word emovere, which means "to stir up" or "move out." Think of emotions as an energy source: neither good nor bad, but a fuel source.
People in your life may have taught you that emotions make you weak because they were afraid of their own emotions—and yours. They needed you to believe you had to shut down your emotions in order to be accepted because they didn't know how to meet your emotional needs, so it was easier to train you to believe that you had none.
2. Emotions are illogical
I feel so strongly about this one, I'm likely going to launch a course on it! This phrase is a myth. Every single emotion comes with a purpose, a function. They're not random misfirings in the brain, but aliquots of motivation. You may not like what they motivate you toward (such as calling up an ex, reaching for your vape pen, pressing snooze on your alarm clock, etc.) but they do have a purpose, and if you want to master your emotions, you are going to need to both accept this as a truth, and learn to both listen and redirect as needed.
3. If I feel It, It Must Be True
There’s a saying: We don’t see the world as it is; we see the world as we are. This means we need to be cautious about how we respond to emotions. Emotions are data, but not all data is accurate.
For example, if I haven’t heard from a friend in a few days, I might feel rejected. The feeling of rejection cues me that something is up, but my mind tells me to check the facts. When I check in, I learn my friend is sick and needs my help. If I had accepted the rejection as reality, I might have retreated—or lashed out at a sick friend. Let your mind and heart work as a system of checks and balances.
4. Emotions Are Bad
Emotions are neither good nor bad, just as numbers are neither good nor bad (but just like numbers, we do tend to have our "favorite" emotions!) How we respond to emotions, however, can be good or bad (I prefer the term effective or ineffective relative to your immediate and long term goal/and or your value system)
5. You Should Always Be Happy
This myth is like expecting the sky to always be sunny! Mother Earth does not give us endlessly sunny days, nor is it normal or typical for every day to be happy, positive, or joyful one. Adopting a myth like this will pressure you into only showing positive, "wanted," emotions and will leave you quite lonely when it comes to more painful emotions that you are going to need help and co-regulation with. This myth is also a bit dehumanizing because to feel is to be human, and we feel a full range of emotions, not just the easy positive ones.
6. Emotions Lead to Trouble
Emotions are data with direction (anger says approach, sadness says draw back). How you choose to act out the direction of the emotion is what can either be effective or ineffective!
7. Ignoring Emotions Makes Them Go Away
Research, personal experience, and clinical experience all tells us that this is not true. First, the brain has to remember what you want to forget, which means you are allocating neuronal resources to storing said thought, emotion, or memory. Second -- emotions will come out "sideways." Meaning, yes of course, you've totally forgotten about how you didn't get that job you really wanted, but why are you all of a sudden crying in the middle of this Geico commercial? Or why did you just snap at your beloved pet who did nothing wrong? Those are "sideways," emotions as I like to call them. Emotions follow the rules of entropy -- they cannot be destroyed (aka ignored) only transformed; thus, they come out sideways.
8. Emotions Are Only In Your Head
Wrong! Emotions very much live in your body. I see this all the time with my clients: anxiety leading to lifted shoulders and clenched jaws, anger leading to heat in the neck and clenched hands, sadness leading to a heaviness in the chest... let this play out over a decade, add in environmental stressors and perhaps genetic predispositions, and now you may face diagnoses like fibromaylagia, IBS, chronic migraines, inexplicable joint pain, addiction, etc. Emotions very much live in your body, as does trauma.
9. Emotions are Never Ending
My goodness it can certainly feel this way! The good news is, if you sit and watch an emotion without fighting it or getting caught up in it, they tend to pass in around 30 seconds to 2 minutes. For more complex emotional experiences like grief, it may last longer, and, they do have an end point.
Emotions do like each other, meaning they often come to us in groups: Wave 1: frustrated, annoyed, irritable, and agitated, or Wave 2: disappointed, hurt, sad and embarrassed, etc. These waves do pass. Whenever you feel like the emotional wave is never ending, that is your sign post telling you that you are actually smack in the middle of the wave of emotion(s) and you need to keep going if that is accessible to you.
Self-Reflection Questions:
Which of these myths resonates the most with me? How did I learn this? Is this something I would teach to a small child?
How could life be different if I were to view emotions as an energy source or fuel, rather than as something to fear or control? How could that impact my relationship with others?
What is one small change I can make today to approach my emotions with more curiosity and less judgment? Did I feel less judgmental or critical about my emotions as I read this? Or have hope that I could be less critical?
What’s Next?
In the next blog post, let's go over the myths of connection and I can then introduce attachment styles. I'd then like to introduce a little crash course on trauma, and then dive into What Do We Do With Emotions & Connection 101! (title subject to change lol) which will be a series taking a deep dive into each primary emotion and how it impacts your relationship with your Self and Others. I'm so happy that you're here and looking forward to growing this community together :) Also, thank you for bearing with me as I navigate blog posting for the first time! Feel free to give me feedback along the way about format, presentation, or anything else. My goal is to make this space as supportive as possible for your learning!
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